Happy Birthday

You wake up early in the morning…

You know that it is very early, But you conscious that the day is the same as the days before… all the same. You are getting up early every morning, don’t giving  yourself  the right of wasting time , that time which sometimes can damnly hurt.

You already Got up, looked out the window and your thoughts  now are free to feel freedom…

Sleeping.. how strange it is.. you are free, free to think and your thoughts are just in a mess, a bit lost, floating all over again, like the lost boat in the ocean. You understand that during sleep you are loosing the right of being the Steersman of your mind and you never understand who is replacing you.

Then you open your eyes, wanting to confess that you are missing, missing very hard, so hard that even aren’t feeling pain, just feeling ashamed of your human nature. Missing the  hair, the face with the pillow trail, the hand which was  always bigger  then yours no matter the size.

Thinking… trying to remember the dream, but you can’t.  Grasping the past, closing eyes and trying to imagine… Harder, harder and then… there is a silhouette at last… Still unknown but seems so familiar.. pale face… but, … you are starting to feel  the smell, smell so kenned, so familiar, so missed… So remembered.

Trying to speak and you can’t hear the sound… the  harder you try, the stronger is the smell… covering you, filling up your ears, and you are floating in the smell of your past.. but still without any sound..

You trying to cry for rehabilitation, for showing how sorry you are… Big  boys never cry and you are  not  able  to drop out even one tear…

Covering ears by hands, pressing until headache starts… but no result…  Finally the silhouette is disappearing into shadows of your memories… But the smell remains, so warm, so yours… and you stay… stay as always… as always no place for you on the bus.. you are staying…. His  “My dear”… His son, his reason for living and his his only regret for dying… you are staying and you know that wherever you can be, all the time you will look back,  even if you won’t hear anything, even if you won’t see the silhouette, you will feel… You will know…. That HE will still be…